Should Have Been Us
by Raising Havoc
Summary: She had never been emotionally compromised before. She hated what he did to her. - Brotherhood, Spoilers, Royai/Edwin/Havolina
1. Anger

She had never been emotionally compromised before; not like this. She spent an eternity fighting her emotions and waging war with her heart, convincing her sanity not to argue with him, because he knew best. The reality was that while she wanted to hate him, Jean Havoc knew how to get under her skin, and it drove her crazy. She was always so well composed, kept her emotions hidden behind a castle wall no man had ever gotten passed. But here was this damn idiot, slowly chipping away at her defenses and making her recant everything she ever knew about her own emotions.

Still, even after two years of sparring with those emotions, there was no denying that they had a very strong chemistry. That love/hate relationship translated into the bedroom in a way that should have been fire. She'd go to the bar - the same one he frequented - and they'd get into a fight. It always started as some kind of stupid argument over which rifle was superior in what type of situation. It would end with clothing strewn about one of their apartments (usually hers, as it was within walking distance), and the two of them regretfully tangled in a mess on the floor by her bed, never even making it to the bed itself.

The morning would come when he'd run through hastily and gather his uniforms, lecture her about how what they were doing was _wrong_ and _illegal_ and could result in both of them being discharged, she'd give him a sarcastic laugh, prim her hair, and see him off with a smack on the ass.

Despite all this, they never dated.

She had a strict cover to keep, one that required that she was not tied down or emotionally compromised, and it was easy to do when she didn't get attached. She'd often joke with Riza about settling down and starting a family, but both women knew under the cold exterior, she had no intentions of retiring. Her job was specific, and required her freedom to move from man to man, often playing the part of a damsel in distress or promiscuous whore to get information out of the lonely soldiers. None of them ever ended up at home; most of them were too drunk to remember, so she'd make up a story about how it was the greatest night of her life if she saw them on the street later.

There was a moment once, a brief moment of weakness, when she'd found out the dopey Lieutenant was sick and offered to go to his apartment to take care of him. And she did; she actually babied him the whole time - much to his chagrin. It was the closest they had ever come to an actual intimate moment and not just a one night stand (that was now well over one night). She felt like a giddy schoolgirl when he was around, and she hated that feeling.

She hated what he did to her.

Even now, as they geared up to explore the depths of the labs, she knew she made a mistake going with. Riza argued with Roy that it was a bad move on his part, knowing that these two had a relationship going. Roy countered with the fact that the two of them knew a time and place, and would accept their job as needed. He had the utmost faith in his men, and she had to do the same. Becky was always one to agree with Riza, but Roy was right. They needed extra hands on this mission, especially not knowing what they were getting into.

There was something about the way he looked in blackout gear that sent shivers down her spine. She loved a man in uniform, but damn, he looked good in nearly anything. The way he crept through the halls with his gun lowered to the ground made him even more irresistible to her. That's it. She was in love. It was an insatiable desire and she had to show him that - but now wasn't the time. Now was time for work, so she pushed that thought deep into the annals of her mind and focused on work.

Roy gave the command to split up, sending Alphonse with Riza and taking Jean with him. He left Becky at the steps to make sure no one tried to come down while they were doing their investigation. She reluctantly followed the order and stayed put. It made sense that Riza would go with Alphonse. Alphonse knew alchemy and in dire straits, he could be of use where she couldn't. The same applied to Roy and Havoc. She was just a third wheel, along for the sake of having extra hands. And right now she was playing the role of crowd control.

Several moments passed. The command was to wait until thirty minutes had passed, and check on Riza and Alphonse. It wasn't just Roy's order, but an unspoken one from Jean. She knew he didn't want her getting involved, despite his adamant argument to keep her there. Alphonse needed the backup more. Thirty minutes was too long, and in her experience, she'd miss out on everything if she waited so long. And she wasn't wrong. Shortly after the explosion to her left, she darted off to her right to find Riza. Things were not going as planned.

"Riza!" She called down the hall, ignoring the formalities of a soldier. Now wasn't the time to focus on that. She carried her rifle towards the ground, searching for her friend. Sadly, she wasn't _nearly_ as good at tracking, but the sound of gunshots was an indicator she'd found the right place. "Riza!"

"Becky, stay back!" The command was from Roy, one that she was sure Riza hadn't heard. Roy had made his way to them, despite his injuries.

It was when she saw his condition that she had a suspicion. He wouldn't have sent Jean back, he wouldn't have dismissed him. Even if he had, the stubborn idiot wouldn't go anywhere. He was so damn willing to die for this asshole, that he'd do just that. She felt the tears stinging her eyes. _No._

After Lust was taken care of and left in a smoldering heap on the floor, Becky whispered softly to herself. "Where is Jean?"

How had Riza not noticed he wasn't with Roy? Was she that focused on the mission she didn't consider that he was missing? The breathless confession came from Roy's pallid lips, her hand reaching to touch her heart gently. _Call an ambulance for Havoc._ Dropping the rifle to the ground, she lit into a run, searching the halls. He was still there _somewhere_ , she just didn't know where...and she was going to find him.

 _Call an ambulance._ Now she was worried about what kind of condition she'd find him in. Was he shot? She honestly expected to find him huddled up against a wall somewhere, just trying to stint the bleeding long enough for help to arrive. She expected to find him laughing at her, telling her he did something stupid again. But the sight that she found was not what she expected at all. There was so much blood.

" _Jean!_ " Dropping to her knees beside him, she tried hastily to bring him back to reality. "No. No no no. Not like this," She whispered sadly. Blood matted his perfect blonde hair, smeared onto his face and shirt. She hated it, the way it looked, the way it smelled, all of it was nauseating. Roy had left him on his back, a small favor, but she didn't want to see his face right now. The look of pain on his face told her that he was not okay. The blood was the worst part in her opinion. It could have come from anywhere, really. "Jean…hey, you idiot, come on. Wake up. Stick with me."

She was growing desperate now, her pleas falling on his deaf ears. Could he even hear her? His expression was unchanging, her hands searching his body for the injury. When she found it, she immediately stripped off her jacket and pressed it to the wound. "Jean...please. Come on. Remember how you joked on that first night that you wanted a minivan full of kids one day? And you were going to convince me to marry you, even if it was the last thing you did? This can't be how it ends. All those big dreams-" She fought back the tears now, even as she felt Riza pulling her away from the body. "Jean! Come on! Don't do this to me! You're the only one who _gets_ me!"

She tried to fight back against her best friend's arms, and even as the paramedics loaded him onto the stretcher, she felt like her world was collapsing in on her. It was hard to breathe. She could hear one of the paramedics saying that she was emotionally compromised and had to leave, to get her out of the room before she did more damage. Was that the Fuhrer? Was he the one who told her to leave? She could barely distinguish the voices anymore.

 _Emotionally compromised_. The expression left a bitter taste in her mouth as they hauled him away.

 _-flashback-_

 _"Jean, you can't smoke in my apartment, it's part of the contract." The shirtless man was hanging halfway out her window, tapping ashes onto the ground below. He gave that stupid grin every time she warned him. "Besides, it's like zero degrees out there, don't be a jerk."_

 _He tapped out the cigarette and tossed the butt into the metal trash can by the window, looking over at her in the bed. She had toussled hair, a tangled rat's nest on her crown. He couldn't help but think about how sexy that looked on her. "Yes, your majesty. Any other demands, my queen?"_

 _"You could just come back to bed." She huffed, her arms folded neatly across her chest._

 _He smirked at the glare, moving onto all fours and straddling her legs. "I have an idea, Becky. I know it sounds absolutely psychotic, but what if we were to date? I mean, go on serious dates, not just pretend ones. And we could retire and have kids. I know it's probably stupid to ask you, but...does that seem like something you might be interested in?" He rubbed the back of his neck, hoping she wouldn't backhand him for being so forward. Instead, he got a face full of pillow._

 _"I can't." She whispered, tugging him down to kiss his lips. "You'll find someone who loves you one day, Jean. And when you do, make sure you cherish that."_

 _"Heh," He tried not to laugh. "I'll probably die first."_

-end flashback-

Even now, he would probably never knew how damn wrong he was.

* * *

Read and Review. 3 AU Brotherhood.


	2. Bargaining

Becky paced. She paced the waiting room, she listened to idle chatter on the radio in the hallway, she watched the nurses while they wandered around the desk and didn't work, but she couldn't sit still. She still had his blood on her hands, and no amount of scrubbing would remove that. Her jacket was still in her arms, she stared blankly at the blood that soaked into the blue and stained it purple. She'd probably throw that one away later. She was too busy watching the doors of the operating room to notice the gentle hand on her elbow. "How is he?" Becky ventured to question, looking to her blonde haired friend. "How is Roy?"

"Alive. Arguably better than Havoc." She huffed, thumping down into one of the chairs, feeling like her body was drained of all it's energy. Unlike Becky, she didn't look like she'd taken multiple stab wounds. She wasn't covered in blood of someone else. And that look, that sad, depressed look - "Becky are you okay?"

"No. I'm not okay. But I guess I will be later. I'm covered in his blood; nothing about that is okay. And now he's going to die because I didn't do my job. I was supposed to have his back, Riza." She looked down at the bloodstained jacket, holding it a little closer for a moment before she tossed it on the chair next to her friend. "I'm literally the worst person in existence."

"You kept him alive," Riza added.

"No, _Roy_ kept him alive by searing the wounds shut. All I did was make it worse. God, the first skill you learn in a combat zone and I fucked that up, too. Like, I know better, and I still did it. No wonder he looked like he was in pain."

Riza narrowed her eyes. "He looked like he was in pain because he'd been stabbed clear through most of his vital organs." She corrected, folding her arms. "And he's still alive, stop talking about him like he's dead. Until that doctor comes from the OR and tells me otherwise, he's _still alive_."

Becky turned on her heel, ignoring her friend, wringing her hands. She was agitated and needed to keep moving. Becky _never did_ slow down. The woman was like a rabbit with how active she was. She froze mid step and looked over at Riza. "He'll die never having a family like he wanted."

The blonde tried hard not to run over there and shake some sense into her younger friend. She'd been through this, certainly, but this was different. This was a side of Becky she'd never seen before. A vulnerable and broken side. This was the very image of a woman who lost it all; the same look and visage she had shared only a few hours prior until she knew Roy was okay. "Oh my God, you love him."

"Of course I fucking love him! If I didn't, I wouldn't be standing here for-" She checked her watch and grumbled under her breath. "-six hours now, waiting for news. I could have gone home and back by now. It's o'stupid thirty in the morning and I still don't even know if he's _breathing_."

"Becky," Riza complained, taking her gently by the arm. "Come on, it's really early and they have coffee down at the cafeteria. I know how much you like your coffee in the morning."

She reluctantly followed her, but then paused a moment. "I'd rather go outside for a bit, the cool air might help. Maybe we can get some coffee at the gas station down the street? It's not the best, but it does the trick…" Did she really want to be that far away right now? What if they came looking for her and she wasn't there? She froze mid-step, shaking her head. "He'll be okay for a little while longer."

Becky purchased exactly three things at the gas station that day. Her coffee, a lighter, and his favorite brand of cigarettes. It was such a stupid thing to do, especially if he wasn't going to make it or wake up for a while, but she knew that when he did wake, he'd want them. When they checked his personal belongings, they said his lighter wasn't with them. She took the opportunity to buy a new one for him. It figured, her first gift to him was going to be the worst one for his health.

 _Listen to yourself; worrying about the health of a man whose dying. What's wrong with your priorities, Becky?_ But still, it seemed so normal, like something a real couple would worry about. She pulled and plucked at that cup while she waited back on her perch in the waiting room. Perhaps coffee wasn't a good idea, since she wanted to run now. If she could, she would run all the way home to Lior and never look back.

"He'll be okay," Riza commented slowly. She'd been so quiet, Becky _almost_ forgot she was there. It was almost as if she was sharing a room with a ghost. They were the only two idiots sitting in the waiting room, and she still forgot she was there. Was she counting floor tiles, too? There were forty-eight in their immediate area. At least it was something to kill the time. "Becky, you're going to snap the hinge off that lighter."

She snapped the metallic object closed and looked up at the time again. It was nearing eight hours. Almost forty hours of no sleep; twelve of which she wouldn't trade for anything in the world. Twelve of those hours were spent with her precious idiot, arguing over whether she would restation with him or not. Twelve whole hours tangled up in his broad arms, laughing at his oral fixation to constantly be chewing on something; be it his lip or an unlit filter. Twelve hours of him watching her sleep because he loved the way she smiled while dreaming. Twelve hours she'd never get back. And now she was about to spend twelve hours with him for a different reason.

"What's he like?" Becky finally asked, her head hung low, hair falling and framing her eyes. She was playing with her bootstraps like a little child would. "I mean, I know the idiot he is at home, but I've never seen him at work until now. What was he like? Strong? Quiet?"

"About the same dork you know and love when he's at home," Riza commented, her voice soft and quiet. "But with less penitent to do paperwork. He hates paperwork. He's also super messy and disorganized. His desk is a nightmare. I had to borrow a pen once and it took me two hours to find one."

"Because it was that messy?"

Riza shook her head. "Because I insisted on organizing it."

The brunette laughed for the first time in hours. Her hands were still closed around the lighter when she heard the doors opening. She was on her feet in an instant.

"Havoc Family?"

Becky froze and looked down. She wasn't his family. She wasn't even part of his team. Hell, she couldn't even claim the distinguished honor of being his girlfriend. She was just another person, worried over the life of a friend. The doctor repeated his question.

He was about to turn away when Riza spoke up. "This is his girlfriend, and I'm a coworker. We're-kind of all he has at the moment until his mother and father get here from Resimbool."

She let out the breath she didn't know she was holding when Riza spoke up. Her heart nearly stopped as the doctor nodded. "We'll be transferring him to room 157 in ICU for the night. After that, we'll move him in with Colonel Mustang. I'm sure it will be easier for you, as the Colonel's personal bodyguard. The surgery to suture the wounds was a success, but he'll be pretty limited with activity for the next couple months. He's lucky to have made it out alive; that man had an angel watching out for him. We don't know the extent of the injuries, but due to the close proximity to the spinal column, I would prepare for the worst."

"Prepare for the worst and hope for the best, as he always said," Riza commented, her hand resting on Becky's shoulder.

She watched as he was transferred out of the operating room. His face was pale, his body looked weak. She almost didn't recognize him. Were they going to the room or a morgue? They had done the great service of cleaning the blood out of his hair, but it still looked matted. His hand was still holding onto something, a small detail she wondered if they had noticed. Maybe he wasn't even holding anything, maybe it was just something he did when he was in pain. She watched as they moved him down the hall, helplessly hoping for _better_ news.

Her hand rested over her heart as she watched him go. Riza gently pushed her down the hall. "Go. His parents can't be here, he'll be alone when he wakes up. Don't do that to him. After all that fuss you gave him about sticking with you - you have to be the one in there when he wakes up."

She carefully made her way down the hall, following to the room they put him in. She almost didn't want to go inside. Seeing the nurses bustling about, hooking him up for a transfusion, she wanted to leave and run far away. One of the nurses stopped in the doorway with a bag of blood. "Are you Rebecca Catalina?"

Becky almost didn't know how to answer. _Yes?_ Should she say yes? She nodded, her mind in a haze now. "I-I am. Why do you ask?" Did he ask for her? Was he conscious?

"He had this with him." The nurse held out the dog tags to her. She hadn't even noticed he took them. _When_ did he take them? She reached into her shirt to check hers, they were still there. So how-? Pulling the ones out of her shirt, she noticed that one was his and one was hers. The sly bastard must have done it while she was sleeping.

Taking the tag, she stared at it for a long time. "We have the same blood type. Why waste blood when I can donate?"

The nurse smiled brightly and nodded. "I'll go let them know!"

It seemed like hours until the nurses hooked her up to the tube. It wasn't anything fancy, just a small plastic tube with a needle on the end. It was as sterile as they could get, and jammed rather unceremoniously into her wrist. It was a small price to pay, given the circumstances. The nurse told her she'd have to be higher than him, so they lowered the bed a bit and told her to sit in a chair with her arm on the bed. She reluctantly agreed, watching him sleep. Was he even sleeping?

The nurse told her that they would monitor her every minute or so, checking her pulse and making sure it was still normal. If it got erratic, they'd have to stop. Judging by the amount of blood lost, she couldn't very well give him _all_ of her blood. Still, the nurses knew what they were doing, and they were very keen on making sure she was okay, offering her water or juice every so often. "How long does this usually take?"

"Three minutes, just to make sure he doesn't reject your blood. If he doesn't, upwards of two hours."

Could she withstand this pain for two hours? Judging by what he'd just suffered through, she'd withstand anything for him. Her hand rested in her lap, where the cigarettes and lighter lay, her other hand was gently holding his, waiting for him to wake. Maybe the transfusion would be enough to stir him.

She hadn't realized she fell asleep, and she didn't realize the nurses undid the tubes. He had a bandage on his arm, and she had one on her wrist. She looked up at his expression. He seemed a little less in pain now. She couldn't imagine what that felt like; but she knew he was somewhere else entirely. If he could even hear them. "Can you hear me talking? I know someone once said coma patients can hear when people talk to them. I just want you to know I'm here. I know I'm not your mom or dad, or even your favorite person most days, but I'm here. You're not alone."

Somehow during the night, she managed to cram herself in an unenviable position into one of the chairs, her hand still holding his. When he awoke that morning, he gave a lazy smile to the sexy mess of hair on her head, trailing down to see the cigarettes and lighter in her hand.

What a stupid gift, but what a Godsend. She truly was an angel looking out for him.


	3. Denial

Several days had passed since his primary admittance into the hospital. While he was still groggy and unsure of his surroundings, there was one thing that stayed constant no matter what changed. Roy Mustang. Sharing a room with the Colonel wasn't so bad, but it made it difficult for anything to be done. The man was always talking plans and schemes, telling the group about what would be the next play. He didn't mind it, not at first, but he didn't want Becky involved and she always managed getting dragged into the mess.

Right now, his head was tipped back, he was staring up at the ceiling with his azure eyes, while Becky worked on shaving his scruff off. She had become quite motherly since he was admitted, and he liked that side of her. The more he saw it, the more he was sure she was _the one_. But still, she was too stubborn to say it to him, even though she knew now that he'd be okay. He went to see what Roy was talking about, feeling the blade dig into his skin. He let out a soft gasp, prompting a yelp from Becky.

"I'm sorry!" She quickly retrieved the towel next to the bed and pressed it against the cut. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it."

His hand gently rest on hers, he smiled. "It's okay, it was my own idiot fault, not yours. Stop saying sorry. I'm not made of glass, you know. If that's the worst injury I have to face in this hospital, I'm okay with it. Most people come back because they leave surgical implements behind in bodies. I'll gladly take a cut cheek any day." He hissed a bit when the foam ran into the cut. When Becky gave him a look of discouragement, he smiled to her. "I'm fine. Continue."

"Warn me next time you do that, please!" She went back to her work when Roy started talking again. Jean was listening, but it was only half-hearted. She knew that by the way his eyes glazed over every time Roy started talking game plans. Her brief intermittent had caused little disturbance in the conversation. She shifted slightly, straddling her legs on each side of his, continuing her task of shaving off that god-forsaken scruff. "If Roy is right, we have to get you back to regulation."

"Yeah, I know. Not that I'm looking forward to that." Still, he knew his job wasn't done. He had much more he had to do, and that was obvious. The problem was he wasn't entirely sure he could do it. At some point, while his gaze was affixed to the ceiling, he heard Ed and Fuery come in the room, along with the clinking of Alphonses' armor. He didn't _want_ to listen to this conversation, but it was a necessary evil, sharing a room and all.

"Are your legs tired yet? I can move." Becky inquired, rinsing off the razor. He never really did address her question, just took the moment without the blade to shake his head no. She sighed. "I guess it's fair, I am pretty light."

He never addressed that comment, knowing damn well she was itching for a fight from him, and he wasn't so sure he was up for that right now. She pushed his head up towards the ceiling again, where he looked to Roy through half-way slitted eyes. He had to be careful about talking with the blade that close to his jugular. "So you're saying that the Fuhrer is involved in this?"

Roy nodded, looking over to his companion. "Whatever's going on, it's pretty deep. We've got quite the mess on our hands. Fullmetal, Alphonse, be careful."

Jean turned back to the window, watching as the boys left, walking down the path to the hotel nearby. He could feel Becky finishing up shaving him, a small blessing of course. She was such a Godsend right now. It was less awkward having her take care of him since she'd already seen him exposed in every way possible. His hands rested at his sides while she pulled the blade away one last time to dip it into the water. "Thanks Bex, I feel a lot better."

Her hand rested on his arm in a friendly way, smiling. "It's not a problem. I don't mind. Gives me something to do while I'm lurking around anyway. Grumman said I can stay on loan until all of this is over, so it keeps me busy." She heard Roy's command about working them ragged. That was when she noticed Jean tense. Was he not okay with her touching him that way? Her hand fell and she listened while he spoke up.

 _I can't feel my legs._

No wonder he hadn't told her to move. He couldn't feel her there. It wasn't because he was avoiding an argument or being distant, he _literally couldn't feel_. Her shocked expression was enough to give away her emotions on the matter. "Wh-" That was all she managed to stammer out when he spoke up again.

"I hate to say it, but I'm retired."

 _Retired. Retired_ _._ A word she thought she'd never hear from him. He wanted a family and a wife, and now he was losing out all of that because of one stupid mistake. The nicest guy on the planet - the one with the worst fucking luck - was the one who kept taking the hits. The one who sacrificed nearly everything for the dumbest reason. Quickly climbing off the bed, she stood slowly, looking to Roy. Her brown eyes steeled on his. "Colonel...may I borrow you a moment?"

Jean turned quickly to the source of the sound, noticing Becky's posture. This meant a fight was coming; a storm that Roy was surely unprepared for. Jean loved that fire in her, that will to fight, that constant spark of chemistry between them. The didn't hate each other, but they pushed each other's buttons for the thrill, and he loved it. He gave in every time. But Roy...this was a different kind of fire, one he hadn't seen before. Becky was about to do something tragic, and he had no way to stop her.

As they entered into the hallway, Riza stayed behind to talk to Jean. Becky stood up straighter and looked to Roy, her lower lip trembling. "He gave _everything_ for you."

"I know that, which is why I intend on not using this sacrifice in vain." Roy answered, his hand running through his messy brown locks. "He's a valuable asset, and I'm sorry we-"

That was when she smacked him across the face. Her nails were sharper than she remembered, leaving scratched against his skin. "How _dare you_ look at him like he's expendable! How _dare you_ sit here and pretend that his loss doesn't matter! You still have it all, Roy! You have your job, your _precious subordinate_ , your title and rank. You have loyal followers, and a position you can use to your advantage! He has _nothing_!" She whimpered softly and beat her fists weakly against his shoulders. "He gave it all for you, and you're treating him like some kind of...of...pet that got hit by a car."

"Becky, it isn't like that-"

"Then tell me what it _is_ like! Because I see a broken man in there, a man who knows that it doesn't get any better than this, that knows that this is the peak of his life. And he's _so fucking young_ , it's not like a man in his sixties that can come to terms with it. He's in his _twenties_ and he's losing a lifetime!" She groaned and rubbed her throbbing head now. "All because you _didn't have his back_! Wasn't that the plan going in there? To watch each other's backs?"

Roy reached out and rested his palms against her shoulders, looking to her with a cold expression. "He's _alive_ , Rebecca. What more do you want from me? I did the best I could to keep him here for you, so who is he really suffering for? Me or you? Because to me it looks like his suffering is because _you_ wanted him here."

Shifting the blame. She should have expected it from someone who manipulated people for a living. She dropped her hands to her side, refusing to feel the guilt. "You know what? You're right. He'll spend the rest of his life regretting ever going down there with you. But he won't regret ever wasting his time with me. Because unlike you, I'm not the one who took everything away from him. I'm the one _giving_ him a future."

She left him there and went back inside the room, noting that Riza and Breda followed out the door. She gently sat on the edge of the bed, reaching out to take his hand. "So what happens now?"

"I accept it, swallow it down, and keep moving. I have a life to live, despite not having much of one." His hand tangled with hers, something he had missed in the last few days. She'd been so distant, afraid of breaking him, but now it was like she wanted to be there. "What did you talk to Roy about?"

"Nothing important," She answered, resting her head against his shoulder. "Jean, do you ever think that maybe things can be different now?"

"Like how?" He questioned, turning to look at her. His azure gaze studied hers, listening to her speaking. "It's surely going to be different. I can't walk, I can't do anything alone, I can't have kids...my entire future is gone. There's nothing left for me. All those big dreams I had are just that... _dreams_. But part of me thinks it's okay. I always wanted to retire anyway, right?"

"Not like this, Jean." She tugged his hand up to kiss his knuckles. "You deserve all those things just like anyone else. You're not a monster, and you're not broken. You're not even half a man. You're still the same man I remember, and that's all that matters, right? I'll...go with you, help you with your rehab. Maybe we can get you back on your feet so you can re-enlist."

"I'm not dumb, Becky. I was the top of my class, remember? I know there's no coming back from this, only making the best of the worst situation. You shouldn't have to suffer with me, it's not fair to you. Besides, you told me once that I'd find someone who loved me one day...so maybe she's still out there. Maybe she'll love this broken man."

Her hand fell, she looked at him with intense brown eyes, turning his chin so he was facing her. "She is, and I can tell you right now that she loves you regardless of circumstances. She always has, ever since that first stupid grin from across the bar. Right until that last whispered _be careful_ in the darkest night. She's still here, I promise you. And she'll gladly follow you wherever you go. Please don't leave me behind. Those eight hours were the worst moments of my life."

He leaned in and whispered breathlessly against her lips; "Is that what the queen demands?"

"Yes, that's what the queen demands." She murmured, closing the kiss. Her arms wrapped around his shoulders. "Don't leave me behind anymore. I can handle this, I promise you."

"You truly are a Godsend, Rebecca Catalina." He rest his forehead against hers, brushing the hair from her eyes. She always looked so good, despite never really wearing her hair down. There were always a few stray strands, getting in the way and making a mess, but he loved it. "Thank you for the cigarettes, but the way. I know the nurse told me that Riza brought them, but I woke up that first night and saw you sitting there with them. I thought it was just a dream until I saw them on the nightstand the next morning."

"Did I get it right?" She lay her head against his chest, hoping she had. "I had to go by the look of the package, and there's a lot of green ones. I think the clerk said they're Menthol?"

He nodded and kissed her nose, a grin spreading across his features. "You got it right. My favorite brand. Not even the cheap knockoff version. You spoil me."

"Anything for my knight." She whispered with a smile. "Hey, Jean?"

He looked up from the pack of cigarettes, pulling one out of the cardboard and putting it between his teeth. "Yeah, Bex?"

"I love you."


	4. Depression

Depression

"Jean?"

He knew the soft voice that was now pleading with him. It was a familiar one that he'd grown accustomed to over the years. He turned to the person in question, wondering why she'd adopted his less-formal name. His blue eyes watched her, cigarette hanging from his lips unlit, his hands folded in his lap as they always were these days. His eyes were lifeless and dull, lacking any and all emotion that made him human. Just a few days ago, he was happier than ever - and now it was like an entirely different person was looking at her. "Lieutenant."

"Stop that, you're retired now. There's no reason for you to be so formal." She commented, coming to rest on the bed across from him. Roy had long since signed himself out of the hospital against orders, leaving the war-ragged man to his own devices in the room. And that often meant coming into this. "Where's Rebecca?"

"Shipped off to some war zone in the East," He muttered, his hands tensing on the sheet until his knuckles were white. He couldn't look at Riza now, not even as he lit his cigarette and tried to keep the smoke away from her out of courtesy. "She was sick when she left here. I don't know why they took her. She was gravely looking when I saw her last."

"Have you heard from her since then?" Riza hadn't been able to keep in contact with him for some time, so she was still catching up on everything that had been forgotten. She didn't mean to leave him there, but Roy's plans left very little room for socializing unless it was to gather information. Her hand reached out to gently touch his. "When was the last time you saw her?"

"Three months ago," He muttered, his voice low and menacing. There was a primal growl there that she picked up on but didn't comment. "I got a letter from her about three weeks in, but that was it. Nothing after that. And I'm worried…" He didn't want to finish the sentence for fear of the implications. Riza knew they loved each other, she was the only one other than Roy whom had picked up on that not-so-subtle love-hate relationship. But Riza knew more than anyone because Rebecca was her best friend. To know Riza hadn't heard from her either made his heart ache. "What if she's dead somewhere?"

"I doubt that, they would call you." Riza looked down at her hands, folding them in her lap. "After your accident, she changed her contact information so that you were her primary in the event of an emergency. I'm secondary." The thought was not as endearing as she had hoped for it to be, but it seemed to put him at ease a bit. "Hey, do you want to go outside for a bit? I've got some time to spare, I don't mind helping you at all."

"I'm not so sure that's such a good idea." He was watching the window now, seeing the people on the street. The children laughed as they came home, skipping down the road to their parents waiting on the corner. Somewhere in that mess of kids was Elicia, coming home to her mother. It was far different for Gracia - her husband _hadn't_ come home. At least Jean did. But part of that made him ache in ways he didn't knew he ever would. _He'd never have a family_ _._ "I just want to stay inside."

"Have you been outside in a while? When was the last time you ate? You're looking terribly thin." Her hand reached out to touch his, but he swatted it away with a force she wasn't sure she recognized. He was a broken man and no amount of praying or seeking salvation would save him. He'd lost _everything_ , and here she was trying to convince him to keep living. "You need to keep your strength up in case if she comes back."

"Who, Rebecca?" He scoffed, his gaze turning back to Riza. "You know, she told me before she left that I shouldn't give up. Spouting some nonsense about how she was going to make sure I realized I was giving up on something beautiful. She said she would make me change my mind and see this as a blessing. I don't know, some bullshit about how she would give me a family one day and I'd see it her way. But I _can't_ _,_ Riza. They told me as much, and I'm not dumb _enough_ to believe that bullshit fairytale."

Riza's expression softened at the mention of her threat to give him a family. Becky knew something she wasn't letting onto; not yet, anyway. It was probably something she had been unsure of, and then pulled away to a war zone with no way to ever tell him. She'd dropped hints to her, but Riza was so busy with Roy that she never suspected. Not in a million years. Now she understood what the woman had meant. She wasn't _sick_ when she left here. "Sometimes all it takes is one woman to change your mind. And if she loves you in spite of your setbacks and failures, maybe she's worth keeping."

"You're just as delusional as she is," He gruffed, pointing at her with his lit cigarette before tapping it out in the tray. "There is no saving me, I don't want to be saved."

"Maybe that's your problem," Riza murmured quietly, folding her legs. "Maybe the problem is that you don't want to be saved. Rebecca is a headstrong woman. If she thinks there's salvation for you, then by God, there's salvation for you. Far be it from me to know what's going on in that woman's head. Everything with her is a game, and I don't know her tells. But if she told you that, then believe it. She's a champion of lost causes."

"A regular old fucking saint," He grumbled, taking one last puff before putting it out in the tray. He went to reach for the pack only to realize it was empty. He groaned and set it back down. "Fuck."

His attitude and demeanor were so uncharacteristic it took her off guard. She'd never seen him like this, not even at basic. Deep down, this was the side of him no one ever saw, the one he kept hidden under lock and key. The depressed, broken man that he'd become after the accident. She didn't like it, and no one could talk any sense into him but Becky - and she wasn't around. "I'll try and reach out to Lieutenant Catalina, but I can't promise results. When she's sent away, usually it's under radio silence."

"Yeah, I get it," He hissed, closing his baby blues for a long time, his hand fidgeting helplessly with his lighter. "They tell us not to expect the worst, but I think every soldier does. And dating one is hard enough without the added risks and implications. She could be dead, Riza. And contacting her - reaching out to her...it's risky. Don't blow her cover. Wherever she is, don't get her hurt. Just...wait until she comes home. Even if I'm not here, even if I'm back in East...just wait for her to come home."

"If you're sure…"

Several weeks had passed, nearly a month, before he'd been released from the hospital. His father had come to help him with the travel back home, he'd even put most of his time into modifying the house for the man so he could easily get around. A whole two weeks were spent at the shop, getting reacclimated to the place he'd left seven years prior. His habit of smoking was hard to curb, but he'd started to at his mother's insistence. Sometimes, when it was sunny enough, he'd sit on the porch and watch the distance, listening to the leaves rustling in the breeze.

Today was too cold for that, though. He was sitting at the desk in the front office, cigarette leaning precariously between his teeth, a pink blanket over his legs - which he always felt was ironic that his mother did that - he couldn't _feel_ them to know if they were cold. He tapped the cigarette out when he heard the bell above the door. "Havoc Sundries," he muttered without looking up. It took a while for the voice to speak, so he looked over at the sound. His breath caught when he saw her standing there, soaked from the rain. "Rebecca? You're home?"

"I'm home, babe." She moved over to him and sat on his lap. He noticed she was _heavier_ than usual, but chalked it up to his weakness. She couldn't help but tangle her hands in his locks and tug his head back forcefully for a kiss. "I missed you."

He grinned into the kiss and rest his hands on her hips, pulling her entire body into his. "I can tell. My physical therapy is going wonderful, if you were curious. You should see all the things I can do now."

"Oh yeah? Are you walking yet?" She inquired, resting her head against his shoulder with a small smile. She smelled of rain and lavender, but he sure as hell wasn't complaining. He missed that smell. He found himself ordering lavender candles constantly. "You promised to take me dancing, so if you're walking…"

"Not yet, no, but I can get around without much help. Transfers are a breeze now if I have something to hold onto, and there's a slight tingling in my legs now. Not much - not enough to stand without falling. But I can somewhat feel in them again." He grinned from ear to ear like a bird fed cat. Four months was a long time to be working, but such a short time to have so much progress. He kissed her neck and smiled. "Becky, why do you look so sad?"

"I was hoping I could teach you how to walk at the same time." She whispered quietly against his shoulder.

He barely picked up what she'd said, a blush crossing his cheeks. Thankfully his senses weren't _that_ far off. "Same time…?" He inquired, a finger reaching around to turn her to face him. "Rebecca?"

She stayed still for a moment before climbing out of his lap. Confused, he watched as she unbuttoned her uniform jacket and lay the garment on the counter, turning to her side. Sure enough, though not very visible yet, there was a bump there. One he'd noticed immediately when she came back, but wasn't sure what to think. "I told you this accident was a blessing."

His breath was caught in his throat, a low growl escaping his lips, feeling betrayed. "You never told me!"

"How could I? If I had told you _before_ the accident, we'd both have been dishonorably discharged _or worse_. It's _fraternization_ and it's _illegal;_ you reminded me every time we slept together. Your accident forcing you into retirement is what makes it okay - I can tell you now, because there's no repercussions anymore. But hell, Jean, if you don't want it, that's fine. I'm sure I can raise him on my own, too." She looked down, her cheeks burning so hot she thought she was on fire. A strong silence passed between them. "I'm cold, and tired, and I want to lay down and if that's too much to ask, I'll find a hotel."

He reached out and grabbed her hand, forcefully pulling her back into his lap. He nuzzled his nose into her neck and wrapped his arms tightly around her body. "Don't take this away from me, Rebecca. It's the only good news I've gotten since all this started. Please don't take away my happiness. I'm begging you, with every single fiber of my being. If I could kneel at your feet, I would. But please don't ever think it's because I don't want this. I may never have a family. This is a blessing for me."

She placed her hands flat against his chest, pushing away slightly. "You wanted this?"

"Not back then, no, but knowing that the option isn't available anymore makes this the best news I've ever gotten. I mean, I'm sure under normal circumstances I'd still feel the same way but-" He coughed and looked down a moment, studying her belly. "So, how far along are you?"

"A little over five months." She paused when he placed his hand against her skin.

He nodded, his hand resting there for a moment before looking back at her beautiful face. "So, that means he was conceived after that night when you told me I'd find a woman who loves me someday. The night I asked you about retiring and having children. If that's not the cosmos telling us to suck it, I don't know what is."

"Jean, he can hear you."

"Hush, I didn't curse," He removed his hand and wheeled along the shop with her. "We've got everything here you might need, and if you don't have it, I can order it. I'll start a tab for you - it's the least I can do for the mother of my son. And if you need to rest, you can come in here. It's a little small and you'll have to try not to hit your head on the trapeze bars, but it's my room." He pushed his way into the room and stopped so he was level with the bed. "You can take a nap, I'll mull this over for a while."

She nodded and scooted over so she was sitting on the bed instead of his lap. "You're sure you want this?"

He nodded, kissing her cheek. "I have never been more sure of anything in my life."


End file.
